


It's Just a Phase

by ViiA01



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Green Lantern - All Media Types
Genre: Family Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Kyle and Jason get turned into babies, M/M, Stupidity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:34:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26561485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ViiA01/pseuds/ViiA01
Summary: Hal and Bruce get to experience the miracle of parenthood.They are delighted, of course.
Relationships: Hal Jordan/Bruce Wayne
Comments: 35
Kudos: 242





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This whole thing was because I thought it would be super cute if Hal and Bruce went shopping for baby stuff.
> 
> That’s literally the only reason I wrote this.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy and please stay safe everyone.

Bruce was watching the two babies intently when the front door banged open violently and Hal Jordan strutted in. He had his air pods in, sunglasses on, a bag of greasy takeout in one hand, and leather jacket tossed over his shoulders.

Hal stopped dead at the sight of Bruce, tilting his head down so he could look at Bruce over his sunglasses. “The fuck are you doing here?”

Bruce rolled his eyes at Hal’s foul mouthed language. “Watch what you say.”

“Excuse you?” Hal demanded immediately, puffing up with indignation. “How ‘bout I come over there and punch you, huh-”

Jason giggled, beaming at the noise.

Hal made a strangled noise, freezing like a deer in headlights. “… What was that?” he asked stupidly. He took a few steps forward, peering over the back of his couch, a look of abject horror crossing his face. “What are those?!”

Bruce huffed. “They’re _babies_ , Hal,” he said, watching the two young babies carefully. They were playing with some of the toys Bruce had had in his utility belt, both enamoured with the plastic bat Tim had gotten Bruce as a joke.

Hal looked offended and chewed on his straw furiously before shaking the drink at Bruce angrily. “I can see that, Spooky,” he snapped. “I meant, why are they here- Why are _you_ here, in my house? Dressed like that- You look like a bad Bond villain.”

Bruce looked down at his simple turtleneck and slacks, unsure what was wrong with them. “My fashion choices aside,” he said, “I am here because this concerns you.”

“I-excuse me?” Hal spluttered loudly. “How is the fact that you collect children like some people collect stamps, my fault? It’s not my fault you hoard children instead of going to therapy!”

“You’re one to talk about going to therapy,” Bruce said, rolling his eyes.

Hal made more incoherent noises, waving his takeout around angrily.

“And it does concern you, because that baby is Kyle Rayner,” Bruce said, pointing to the baby he had carefully swaddled in one of Hal’s ratty t-shirts. “And this is Jason-”

Hal inhaled his straw with a loud noise and immediately choked on it. Coughing and spluttering violently, he hacked it back out, sunglasses clattering to the floor. His bag of McDonalds landed on the counter as he flailed frantically, going red.

Bruce rolled his eyes again -a common occurrence when Hal Jordan was around- and crouched down to lift Jason away from the coffee table he was tottering towards.

Jason beamed at him, chewing on the plastic bat happily.

He hadn’t ever gotten to see any of his children as babies. All of them had had their childhoods stolen from them in some way, all forced to grow up too quickly. Seeing Jason as a pudgy, happy baby made Bruce’s heart ache, because it reminded him that none of his children had been allowed to be children. And how much he had contributed.

“Is this your fucked up idea of a joke?” Hal wheezed, bent double as he coughed and gagged.

“Watch your mouth,” Bruce scolded as he put Jason back onto the couch to sit next to Kyle. Next to each other, they did look shockingly alike even if Jason’s eyes were bluer than Kyle’s bottle green. “There are children in the room.”

Jason showed the bat to Kyle and Kyle cooed delightedly, his ring letting off wisps of green light which only excited Jason more.

Hal wheezed angrily, straightening up and glaring furiously at Bruce. “Are you-”

Bruce smirked, rather amused by the outraged look on Hal’s face. He looked rather like a fish the way he kept gaping at Bruce soundlessly. “Now we need to discuss how we are going to handle the situation until a solution to their… current predicament can be cured.”

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?!” Hal accused, before ripping the plastic lid of his cup and gulping down his drink greedily. “You’re doing this just to get back at me for last weeks’ meeting!” he accused breathlessly, pointing at Bruce.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Bruce said as he watched Jason bash the bat against Hal’s couch, babbling nonsense at Kyle, who was nodding seriously. “Don’t mistake me for yourself.”

Hal pointed at him wordlessly, before he threw his hands up and slammed the cup down with a loud bang.

Bruce picked up the toys Jason had left on the floor and piled them up next to the boys. It caught Kyle’s eye almost immediately and he went after a rattle and began shaking it around violently, beaming when it produced a pinging noise. “We need to talk about how we’re going to take care of them until we can find a solution.”

“We?!”

“Yes. _We_.”

Hal gaped at him. “What do I have to do with any of this?”

“Kyle is a Green Lantern-”

“Not after this bullshit, he’s not-”

“ _Language,_ ” Bruce snapped. “He’s a Green Lantern and _therefore_ , it’s your duty to ensure he doesn’t come to harm while he’s incapacitated. John’s off world and I don’t trust Gardner with anything that requires even a little bit of finesse.”

Hal huffed. “I don’t do kids.”

“I don’t care.”

They stared each other down and Bruce wished that John _was_ on world, because Hal Jordan was just as stubborn as Bruce was. These staring matches could really drag on and they didn’t have time for Hal’s particular brand of stupidity right now.

As it stood, both Jason and Kyle had responsibilities as adults and they would both be missed in their civilian identities sooner, rather than later.

And given that Bruce had no idea who or what might have changed Kyle and Jason into children, he wasn’t willing to risk either of their lives without more information. He hadn’t even been aware Jason or Kyle were in Gotham and it was only their crying that had drawn him to the warehouse in the first place.

Ordinarily, Bruce would enlist Alfred and or Barbara’s help, but Alfred was off on the first real vacation he had in over a decade, and Barbara was in the middle of revamping the Clocktower.

That Kyle was involved with whatever had happened indicated that Jason’s case probably had an extra-terrestrial element to it. Which didn’t bode well for reversing the change.

And with John off planet, the only other person to go to was Hal Jordan.

As much as the man was an idiot at the best of times and utterly infuriating in his inability to see reason, he was a good detective and an intelligent man when he wanted to be.

Kyle laughed at Bruce, crawling over to the arm of the couch, and used it to pull himself up. He let out a loud, excited squeal when he saw Hal, waving the rattle excitedly. He wobbled and then fell over, toppling backwards towards the edge of the couch.

Bruce and Hal lunged for him at the same time.

They slammed into each other, Bruce’s head colliding with Hal’s chin as he ducked to catch Kyle before he could hit the floor.

“Fuck!” Hal squawked, staggering backwards.

“Language!” Bruce snapped, trying to juggle the baby up to his chest and taking an automatic step backwards to try and reorient himself. The back of his knee hit Hal’s coffee table and he staggered, lost his balance and fell onto the coffee table.

It groaned and then collapsed beneath his weight with a loud sound of splintering wood, sending Bruce sprawling onto the ground, Kyle tucked against his chest protectively.

For a moment Hal’s tiny apartment was quiet.

Jason let out a delighted peal of laughter at Bruce, bashing the bat harder against the sofa.

“Dammit, Spooky!” Hal squawked, rubbing his jaw with a grimace. “I spent like two hours reading German to put that together.”

Bruce sat up, glaring at Hal accusingly. “Ikea is Swedish,” he snapped, head throbbing.

“German, Swedish, _whatever_ -”

Kyle squirmed and pushed little hands against Bruce’s chest, feet kicking and waving as he tried to stand up. “Nn!” he insisted. He caught sight of Hal and reached out automatically.

Bruce stared at Hal pointedly, keeping on arm loosely around Kyle to prevent another fall.

Hal glowered at Bruce, hand still over his jaw.

Kyle’s chin quivered, still reaching for Hal desperately, whimpering.

“Oh for- _Fine_!” Hal snapped, bending down to scoop Kyle up. “God you’re such a pain in my-”

Bruce looked at Hal sharply as he untangled himself from the remains of the table.

“-side,” Hal finished, pulling a face at Bruce. “First there was the harem, and then you and Guy got kidnapped, and now this- You’re supposed to be the sensible one, kid!”

Kyle clenched a hand in Hal’s shirt, resting his head against Hal’s chest contentedly and chewing on the rattle. The old t-shirt Bruce had wrapped him in was starting to slip out of the loose knot tied between his legs.

Bruce dusted himself off and pushed himself up. “That was your fault,” He told Hal grumpily. “Why do you always have to argue with me?”

“Because your ideas are stupid.”

“Are you a child?”

Hal flipped him off.

Bruce slapped his hand down before Jason could see it. Jason was foulmouthed enough as an adult and they didn’t need him starting up as a baby. “Idiot.”

“Oh so you’re allowed to swear, but I’m not?”

“Idiot isn’t a swear word,” Bruce said, brushing himself off. Jason was beaming at him, obviously delighted by the excitement and Bruce couldn’t help but smile back.

“Yes it is.”

“No-” Bruce had to force himself to take a calming breath. Arguing with Hal was not conducive on a normal day and doing so now would only exacerbate their current predicament. “This isn’t a productive conversation.”

“Your idea of productive is wearing a bat costume.”

“Shut up.”

“Oh, oh, now you’re resorting to insulting me? You come into my house, dump this on me and then you start insulting me? And I’m supposed to help you?”

Bruce closed his eyes, reminding himself that Hal Jordan was capable of flying and therefore, tossing him out a window would be waste of time-

“-is this my shirt?” Hal asked suddenly.

Bruce watched as Hal held Kyle out, an affronted look on his face. “I don’t have baby clothes, so I had to improvise.”

“You put a baby, with no diaper on, in my shirt!? This is brand new, Bruce!”

Bruce looked at the holes on the shirt and now that he was actually looking, they did actually appear to be cut purposefully into the fabric. It reminded him of all the holes in Tim’s clothing. “I didn’t know that. Besides, what was I supposed to do, let them walk around naked? That’s extraordinarily inappropriate and dangerous.”

Hal gaped at him. “I spent like two hundred dollars on this!”

“I’ll buy you a new one, now stop complaining. We don’t have time for this,” Bruce snapped impatiently. He had been up since two am tending to the boys and his nerves were frayed thin and he did not need Hal Jordan’s complaining right now.

“I want two.”

“ _Fine_.”

Hal settled Kyle more comfortably on his hip, ignoring the rattle that was pinging around in Kyle’s hand. He scowled at Bruce darkly, as if this was Bruce’s fault. “How did this happen?” he demanded childishly.

“I’m not sure,” Bruce said, rubbing his forehead tiredly. “I was on patrol and I heard their crying. The only reason I know who they are is the ring on Kyle’s finger and the fact that I found them crawling around in their adult clothing.”

“In Gotham?”

“Yes.”

Hal heaved a sigh. “Well then it could be any one of those nuts in your Rogues Gallery, Bruce,” he scolded.

“Or an extra-terrestrial being. I can’t see something like this being of human orgin.”

“Aliens wouldn’t turn people into _babies_ ,” Hal scoffed. “They’d just kill them. It was more likely one of those nutters like Pigeon-”

“ _Penguin_.”

“ _Whatever_ ,” Hal said, waving a hand flippantly. “Point is, I know aliens and what use would they have for babies? None. If they didn’t like Kyle and Jason poking around, they’d just kill them. It’s your enemies that are the weirdos.”

“None of my enemies employ magic this powerful,” Bruce argued. “Given that it managed to overpower the most powerful Lantern, it’s more likely alien in origin.”

Hal’s eyes narrowed in affront at Bruce’s not so subtle barb. “If I wasn’t holding a baby, Spooky, I’d have you on your ass.”

“Unlikely.”

“Right, that’s it- Kyle watch this-”

* * *

“How did you even get here?” Hal asked, still slurping on his drink as they rode the elevator down from Hal’s apartment to the underground parking lot.

Kyle was reaching for Hal’s drink insistently, mouth wide open. “Ha!” he whined, kicking his feet.

Jason was also looking at Hal’s drink interestedly.

Bruce snatched the McDonalds cup out of Hal’s hand.

“Oi!” Hal cried, looking outraged. He shifted Kyle to his other hip and flailed with his free hand, trying to grab his drink back. “Give it, I paid for that, Spooky.”

“You’re setting a bad example for Kyle and Jason,” Bruce sniffed. “They see you eating fast food and they’ll want some too. That’s not a good habit for children.”

“Me?” Hal demanded. “A bad example- Your kid got himself turned into a baby- if anyone’s the bad example, it’s you, since you raised him!”

“Kyle also got himself turned into a baby.”

Hal looked incredulous, mouth open and eyebrows furrowed. “… You do know Kyle’s not my kid, right?” he asked. “Like, he has parents- well, we think he has a dad, but no one knows where he is, but he definitely has a mom.”

“I am well aware that Kyle is not your child,” Bruce said slowly, taking a deep breath to try and curb the urge to throttle Hal. “But you act as a mentor to him-”

“No that’s Guy.”

Bruce waited for Hal to realise what he had just said.

Hal did, after a moment. “Yeah, okay, that’s fair,” he said. “Give me my drink back. And what the hell do you mean ‘it’s not a good habit for children’- they’re not actually children, Bruce, they’re grown men in babysuits!”

Bruce ignored Hal’s hand reaching for the cup and also moved it out of Jason’s reach. Knowing his son, he would be only to eager to spill it everywhere trying to get a sip. “They’re children for now.”

“Maybe they’ll switch back,” Hal said, almost whining. “Can I have my drink back? C’mon, Spooks, I’m hungry and you already threw my burger out.”

“We’ll get food later,” Bruce said. “First, we need to get to a baby supply store and get proper food and clothes for the boys.”

“And how,” Hal said sarcastically, glaring, “do you propose we get to the store? I don’t have a car, Bruce.”

“I’m well aware.”

Hal looked like he was restraining himself from going on one of his rants, jaw clenched and expression annoyed. “Whoever said you were mature has obviously never talked to you for more than five minutes,” he grumbled.

Bruce was saved from answering by the doors to the elevator sliding open.

Hal barged out before Bruce could, Kyle squealing excitedly as he hung over Hal’s shoulder. He was clutching the rattle and waved it at Jason cheerily, eyes lighting up green at the same time his ring did.

Bruce pressed his lips together in disapproval, his own grip on Jason far more safe. Unlike Hal, who was holding Kyle like a sack of potatoes, Bruce kept Jason tucked close. He was very aware of how fragile Jason was in this state.

Kyle was waving his arms around in delight, and Jason was watching with wide eyes, bouncing in Bruce’s arms.

“So, genius,” Hal said smugly, turning around with a self-satisfied smile, “how are we getting to the baby store in my non-existent car?”

Bruce pressed the key fob in his hand and the Porsche beeped obligingly.

Hal’s expression soured. “I hate you, Spooky,” he said. “I really, really, really hate you. Like, more than I hate Sinestro.”

“Whatever shall I do?” Bruce said, giving in to the urge to roll his eyes. It was difficult to restrain himself when he was around Hal, if only because Hal was so utterly infuriating all of the time. How one man could be so utterly reckless and oblivious, while somehow managing to function as a human being, Bruce would never understand.

“I hope you don’t expect me to hold both of them while you’re driving us there,” Hal said as he trailed after Bruce.

Bruce dumped Hal’s soda into a conveniently placed garbage bin. “I have car seats for them both,” he said, glancing at Hal in annoyance. “How do you think I got them here?”

Hal paused, mouth opening. He closed it a moment later, obviously thinking.

It was a rare thing, for Hal to be struck speechless and Bruce let himself feel a little victorious as he opened the backdoor of the SUV to start getting Jason settled in. when he had been getting the boys strapped in, in Gotham, it had been a nearly half an hour long ordeal and he was expecting more of the same this time.

Hopefully though, with both Hal and himself, the shopping trip would be somewhat faster.

Bruce didn’t relish the idea of dealing with two cranky children and a overgrown child.

“Wait, why do you have car seats?” Hal asked, looking confused as he peered into the car. “How many kids do you have? I thought they were all over ten?”

“They are,” Bruce grumbled, sitting Jason into the seat. “I keep these for when there are cases with children involved.”

Hal was quiet for a brief moment and then Bruce heard him walk around to the other side of the car. “Way to make me feel like an asshole,” he said to Bruce after he had opened the door, but there was no real heat in it.

“Langua-”

“Yeah, yeah,” Hal grumbled, sitting Kyle in the car seat. “Language, language! God you’re worse than Diana, you know that?”

Jason burbled at Bruce, beaming gummily.

Bruce couldn’t help but smile back. There was something so sweet about a baby smiling, and it was even more sweet when that baby was his own son.

“Stop wiggling, you little brat,” Hal was saying to Kyle, quite obviously exasperated. “Yeah, yeah, I see it.”

Bruce looked up and glowered when he saw the easy way Hal was getting Kyle strapped in, fingers moving deftly as he buckled straps into each other.

Jason on the other hand was squirming and thrashing around, making Bruce’s job twice as difficult.

Bruce grunted, finally getting all of Jason’s limbs contained in the car seat. Now that they were, he was now struggling to remember which straps buckled into where.

He was fairly certain this strap went under Jason’s leg, or was it around-

“Ha!” Kyle whined.

“Yeah, here it is, you little idiot,” Hal said, and Bruce looked up to see that Hal had somehow already finished getting Kyle strapped in and was now handing him the rattle.

“Hal,” Bruce scolded, trying to wrestle Jason’s arms into the straps.

“What? He is an idiot. Even I never got myself changed into a baby,” Hal said, rolling his eyes as Kyle shook the rattle around violently.

“You can’t call a baby an idiot-” Bruce grunted Jason kicked him in the face when he tried to get the strap between Jason’s legs clipped in with the ones over his shoulders. Jason immediately started wiggling around again, arms slipping out of the shoulder straps. “Jason, enough-”

“Need some help?” Hal asked, sounding like he was on the verge of laughing.

“No,” Bruce growled, ignoring the grin he could see on Hal’s face in his peripheral vision. “Jaylad, please sit still.”

Jason whacked him in the head with the plastic bat, glowering fiercely.

Hal snorted. “Alright, well, have fun,” he said breezily. He moved away, shutting the back door, and getting into the passenger’s seat.

Jason was absolutely not interested in getting strapped into the car seat and he was making Bruce’s job very difficult with the way he kept squirming and wiggling around, pulling his legs and arms out of the straps every time Bruce got them in.

Bruce huffed in annoyance when Jason, once again, pulled his arms out of the straps and clung onto his bat with both hands, refusing to let Bruce thread them back through. “Jaylad, you need to let go.”

Jason scowled at him and just relatched onto the bat, kicking his feet out of the straps again.

Bruce sighed, closing his eyes. Why there were so many straps, he didn’t know, and he didn’t understand how Hal seemed to be able to strap a child in so easily. The whole thing seemed so needlessly complicated.

Hal was watching them from the front seat with an entertained, smug smile on his face. “Having trouble, Spooky?”

“Just get him strapped in.” Bruce snapped, folding his arms as he stepped back in defeat. It was utterly ridiculous that _Hal Jordan_ was better at this than him.

Hal laughed and got out of the car, walking around to shoo Bruce out of the way. “You and I are going to get along great, kid,” he said to Jason as he leaned into the backseat. “Never seen him pull that face outside a meeting before.”

Jason laughed, adding further insult to injury.

Bruce glowered when, not more than thirty seconds later, Hal straightened up and Jason was neatly strapped into the car seat, straps over his shoulders and tummy, playing with his bat.

Hal grinned at Bruce, tongue between his teeth.

“Don’t,” Bruce snapped, shutting the door firmly.

Hal laughed at him again, raising his hands in surrender. “I didn’t say anything.”

“Just get in the car.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Among Us is stupid.
> 
> I love it. I'm so bad at being an imposter.

“We only need the essentials,” Bruce reminded Hal as he waited for Hal to get the boys settled in the cart. He doubted that many people would recognise him in Coast City. But he didn’t want to risk awkward questions about why Bruce Wayne suddenly had two babies in his care.

“You think I want to be seen with you?” Hal shot back as he tucked Kyle into the front seat of the cart next to Jason. As he was strapping Kyle in, he looked Bruce up and down critically. “You’re dressed like Steve Jobs and not in a good way.”

Bruce looked down at his clothes, insulted. “Steve Jobs was what many consider to be a visionary-”

“And he also believed that eating a fruit only diet would cure his cancer,” Hal interrupted with a smarmy smile.

“I didn’t say they were right-”

“Hi there! Welcome to Baby Bunting!”

Bruce looked around at the cheerful young man standing at the front entrance, holding a stack of catalogues and wearing a bright blue vest.

“Were you guys looking for anything in particular? I can point you to the aisles to speed things up,” the sales assistant said cheerily, tucking the catalogues against his chest and rocking forward on his feet.

Hal looked uncomfortable, glancing at Bruce warily and Bruce couldn’t help but feel the same. He had been toy shopping for Dick, Jason, and Tim a few times, but they had only ever had their clothes tailored and he most certainly had never gone shopping for baby supplies.

“Diapers,” Hal managed to say awkwardly. “… For babies.”

“Well we have plenty of those! If you’ll just follow me-”

* * *

“No,” Bruce said when he saw Hal pick up a pair of atrocious Green Lantern onesies. He pushed the cart holding the boys around the giant metal cage holding an absurd amount of baby clothes and tried to take it off Hal. “Absolutely not.”

Hal pulled it out of his reach, holding them over his head and pushing Bruce away with his other hand. “Why not? You got them Batman stuff and weren’t you the one telling me that this was my ‘duty’ because of Kyle?”

“I will not let any child wear that abomination,” Bruce hissed, trying to snatch the onesies out of Hal’s hand before either of the boys could see. No doubt they would want it, just like they wanted the plushie unicorns sitting in their cart. “Put it back.”

“No. It’s cool,” Hal said, leaning away from Bruce. “Besides they both have green eyes-”

They wrestled over them for a few moments, Hal playing keep-away and Bruce trying to grab it off him.

“Dammit, Spooky! It’s cool-”

“I am not letting my son wear that-”

“Uh… Is everything okay here?”

Bruce straightened immediately but refused to let go of the baby clothes he and Hal were arguing over.

There was a young woman, another sales assistant by the looks of her green vest, standing at the end of the aisle, holding a basket full of toys. She raised an eyebrow at them, looking rather unimpressed.

“Yes, we’re fine,” he and Hal said over each other.

Hal smiled at her; the corners of his eyes tight as he yanked the onesies out of Bruce’s grip. “Baby clothes, so many to choose from,” he continued. “You know how it is.”

Bruce glowered at the offensive piece of clothing. It was truly hideous. Why was it such a horrible neon green colour? Even Hal’s uniform wasn’t that obnoxious.

The assistant gave them a strange look before smiling at the boys sitting in the cart. “Yeah, there are always a lot of arguments over which superhero to choose,” she said. “I must say, Superman and Wonder Woman are usually the ones that start the arguments, though.”

Hal looked offended. “B-but, this is Coast City, what about the Green Lantern!?”

“He’s more popular for bedsheets and the glow in the dark stuff-” the sales assistant pointed towards the other side of the store- “he and Wonder Woman are really the only ones we stock, since the others just don’t sell as well.”

The offended look on Hal’s face changed to a cunning grin. “Oh really?”

“No,” Bruce said immediately, snatching for Hal’s arm and missing by a hair. “Hal-”

Hal was already gone, tossing the onesies into the cart next to the unicorns and pushing it down the aisle eagerly. Kyle and Jason squealed in delight from their position in the little child seats at the front, obviously enjoying the sudden acceleration.

“Thank you,” Bruce said to the sales assistant as sincerely as he was able. He really wished she hadn’t mentioned the damn bedsheets, because now the boys were going to look like something out of a Hal Jordan fever dream.

She smiled. “Your kids are adorable. Twins?”

“Uh… yes,” Bruce said absently, walking after Hal and spotting him somehow already at the other end of the giant baby store, where the display beds were made up. “Excuse me, I need to- _Hal!_ ”

Predictably, Hal ignored him, disappearing down the aisle at a run.

Bruce scowled. Why Hal Jordan always insisted on running off at every whim, Bruce would never understand. It drove him up the wall whenever Hal went off on another one of his harebrained schemes.

The man was entirely too reckless and impulsive.

He power walked to the other end of the store. By the time he had found Hal and the boys, Hal was already showing a set of cheap Green Lantern blankets and pillow covers to Kyle and Jason.

“It’s cool, huh?” Hal said, letting Kyle slap a hand on the plastic bag it was in. “You guys can be little Green Lanterns-”

Bruce snatched the sets away from Hal. “We are not getting that.”

“Yes, we are.”

“No.”

Hal scoffed and rolled his eyes. “You can’t barge into my house and dump babies on me and then choose all the baby shit-”

“Language.”

“-by yourself,” Hal finished, pulling the sheets off Bruce. “If I have to help you deal with diapers and feeding times then I’m allowed to pick out Green Lantern stuff for them.”

Bruce glowered. “You already got them onesies,” he bargained, glaring at the hideous articles of clothing lying in the cart.

“So? You got them like a whole wardrobe of Batman crap-”

“Will you watch your language-”

“Crap is not a swear word-”

“It is-”

“ _No_ it’s _not_ -”

* * *

“You can’t get a baby a black sippy cup,” Hal said derisively, dropping the bibs Bruce had sent him to get, into the cart. “It’s wrong- why do they even have ones this colour? Who is designing this stuff?”

“It’s not black, it’s slate grey.”

“ _It’s slate grey_ ,” Hal parroted mockingly, pulling a face as he snatched it off Bruce and flipped it over. “It’s like fifteen dollars for one cup! That’s extortion!”

Bruce snatched it back and it put it down carefully in the cart, next to the folded pile of clothes they had gotten for the boys. The horrible onesies Hal had insisted on getting were right at the bottom, as were the ugly little green bucket hats Hal had picked out. Why did everything need to be green? “It’s not like I can’t afford it.”

Hal looked supremely unimpressed by that and then snatched a set of cheap cups off the shelf and shook them at Bruce. “The multipack is the same price and you get three.”

“This plastic is better quality.”

“Are you planning on keeping it?” Hal asked, hands on his hips, plastic cups still in hand. “They’re not going to be babies forever. Hopefully, they’re not even going to be babies for a week.”

Bruce put a second, nicely frosted white cup in the cart for Kyle. “Glass lasts longer, and the packet says it’s easier to sterilise.”

“Oh my god-” Hal complained, throwing his head back dramatically. “It’s a cup!”

“We don’t want them to get sick, Hal.”

“Kids eat dirt!” Hal insisted, scooping up the cups and shoving them back onto the shelf haphazardly and tossing the cheap ones into the cart. “They’re not going to die if they don’t have ‘slate grey’ sippy cups, Bruce- how are you still a billionaire when you spend your money on stupid stuff?”

Bruce snatched them right back off the shelf. “It’s an investment.”

Hal’s mouth opened and then shut and then opened again. “… That’s is the _dumbest_ thing I’ve ever heard you say, Bruce. They’re not going to be babies for that long! You don’t invest in sippy cups! You invest in like… uh… uh…”

Bruce ignored Hal’s spluttering as he tried to think of investment opportunities, adding a nice red cup and a navy blue one to the cart as well. Once he was done, he straightened and looked at Hal. “Are you done?”

Hal huffed. “Billionaires.”

* * *

“I didn’t realise there were so many different types,” Bruce said, a little bewildered by the vast array of baby food on the shelves.

“What the hell is cinnamon crunch- it’s baby food, I don’t think it’s supposed to be crunchy,” Hal said, reading the back of one of the jars. “Do babies have teeth?”

“We should get one of each flavour, to cover all our bases,” Bruce decided, ignoring Hal’s babbling. 

“Listen to this, pureed tomato flavour- who comes up with this stuff?”

Bruce collected a few different flavours off the shelf, the jars clacking together as he stacked them up in his arms. “Vegetables are important. I’m not risking either of them being deficient in any essential nutrients-”

“You sound like one of those weird daytime informercials.”

“-And whatever we don’t use can be donated,” Bruce continued, stacking the jars in the cart, sorting them by ingredient. Of course, he knew they would have to give the boys solid food as well, but he wasn’t quite sure what solid food babies could eat so the soft food would be a good supplement.

Hal dumped in an armful of jars without bothering to stack them, sending them skittering all over the bottom of the cart with a loud clang. Instead of helping Bruce sort out of the cart, he just picked up one of the unicorns and waved it around in front of the boys sitting in the front of the cart.

Bruce clicked his tongue in annoyance, his own stacking by ingredient ruined by Hal’s carelessness. “Really?” he asked irritably, hands on his hips.

“It’s baby food, Bruce, not rocket science,” Hal said, making the unicorn walk across the handle, much to Kyle and Jason’s delight.

Bruce grumbled and went back to organising the jars.

* * *

“Why the hell are strollers so expensive?” Hal hissed at Bruce as he stood up out of his crouch, looking vaguely horrified by whatever he had seen on the price tag. “It’s six hundred dollars, Spooky! For a stroller!”

Bruce inspected the stroller critically. It was lightweight, made of aluminium and had room for both Kyle and Jason to sit comfortably next to each other. There was a shade cloth and storage under it for a diaper bag. “It folds down small, so it’ll fit in the back of the Porsche.”

“Wha- Are you seriously considering buying this?” Hal demanded.

“It’s practical. It has brakes and a shade cloth,” Bruce said.

“What the hell are we going to do with a six hundred dollar stroller?” Hal asked incredulously.

Bruce rolled his eyes. “If we don’t end up needing it then we can donate it, but I’d rather not need it and have it, than not have it and need it.”

“I still think this one is fine,” Hal said, picking up the basic stroller that reminded Bruce of the toy stroller that Dick had liked pushing around the manor when he was a child. “It has racing stripes.”

“It only has room for one.”

“Well we can get two.” Hal said, shaking the rickety looking thing at Bruce. “And we would still save like five hundred bucks.”

“There’s no room for a diaper bag.”

“Ever heard of backpacks?”

Bruce ignored Hal, pushing the stroller back and forth experimentally. They didn’t technically need a stroller since the current state of Jason and Kyle was hopefully not going to be permanent. But with Zatanna off world, they needed to prepare for every eventuality.

Thus, a stroller would be useful.

“This is the sippy cups all over again.” Hal muttered.

Bruce knelt down and tested the brakes on the back wheels of the stroller. They seemed fairly sturdy-

Hal patted him on the head a few times. “Bruce,” he said, sounding odd. “Bruce, the boys-”

Bruce grunted, wrestling with the brakes on the stroller-

“Bruce, the boys,” Hal said again, sounding panicked now. He was grabbing at Bruce’s shirt collar and pulling it rudely.

Letting out an irritated sigh, Bruce straightened up. “ _What_?” he demanded, turning around to glare at Hal and then he froze when he saw what it was Hal was trying to tell him.

The little child seats in the front of their cart were empty.

Bruce’s heart thumped in his ears as he stared at the empty cart. The seatbelts he had made Hal do up were hanging limply and there was no sign of Kyle or Jason. A growing feeling of horror started to spread through his stomach at the sight.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck-” Hal swore, scuttling over to the cart and beginning to search through the mountain of clothes, plush toys, baby food, and diapers. In his haste, he managed to toss half of it out of the cart.

Bruce ran over, looking around the floor of the cart frantically. He had guessed Jason and Kyle were around 9 months to a year old, which meant they couldn’t have gotten far- but the distance between the cart and the floor was high, especially for two small babies-

“Kyle, you little shit, where the hell are you?!” Hal hissed, abandoning the cart to drop to his knees and begin peering under the displays.

“You were supposed to be watching them!” Bruce accused. He saw an open container of oversized rabbits and dug around in it desperately, wondering if the soft fur of the toys had enticed the boys out of the cart.

“Me?!” Hal hissed right back, crawling around on the floor to look under a display of strollers. “What about you, Mr. six hundred dollar stroller?! Why weren’t _you_ watching them?!”

Bruce glared at him hotly, but his anger at Hal was overshadowed by a cold sense of fear for Jason and Kyle.

They were both so small and delicate, especially as babies.

There was a crash and Bruce saw Hal had accidentally knocked over one of the strollers. For once, he couldn’t bring himself to care about the mess Hal was making.

“How the hell did they get out of the seat?!” Hal was saying. “I strapped them in!”

“They can’t have gone far,” Bruce said, struggling to get a hold of himself. They were in a baby store, which meant that the dangers for children were less than that of other stores. And the staff were probably used to runaway kids. “I’ll take the aisles, you take this area,” he said, gesturing to the open area that held the store’s strollers, play pens, and sports equipment.

For once, Hal didn’t argue. He just threw their supplies back into the cart and took off, the wheels of the cart squeaking furiously.

Bruce hurried off in the opposite direction, ducking down the first aisle. He walked the length of it quickly, scanning the floor and lower shelves carefully.

He had worried about his children when they had gone missing without warning, as any father did. But then, they had all been adults and more than capable of taking care of themselves long enough to call for back up.

But now, Jason and Kyle were babies, very small and vulnerable babies. And even if Kyle had his Ring he didn’t seem to have conscious control of it.

Bruce practically ran down the next aisle, only stopping to search through a display bed. Neither boy was anywhere in the aisle, in the shelves, or in the bed.

How had he and Hal not noticed the boys climbing out?

Bruce hurried down another aisle, scanning the lower shelves and floor.

No Jason or Kyle.

He spotted another container of soft toys next to a table of clothes. He knelt down, looking under the table, seeing if Jason and Kyle had gotten into the folded clothes on the shelves below the table top.

But there were just folded onesies and t-shirts.

He searched through the container desperately. The sides were high off the ground, almost up to his hip, which meant it would be nearly, if not completely, impossible for either boy to get up into it, but he couldn’t see where else the boys would be hiding.

When his desperate search yielded nothing a horrible thought occurred to him.

Kyle had his Ring, a Ring that let off bright wisps of green light in abstract shapes and swirls. It was quite clearly not a toy- what if someone had seen it and taken the boys out of the cart? Something like Kyle’s Ring would clue any of Bruce or Hal’s enemies into the fact that Kyle and Jason were special.

And if it was one of Bruce or Hal’s enemies, it would explain why neither of them had noticed- an old enemy would know how to sneak up on them-

But Jason would have cried, surely? He was a plucky baby and even if Kyle was shy and quiet-

Bruce’s heart sank when he realised he had come to the end of the store, and the end of the aisles. There was no sign of Kyle or Jason and it was becoming more and more likely that the boys had been snatched, either by a rogue villain or-

His phone buzzed.

Bruce picked it up as he started his second sweep of the aisles. He was starting to feel a bit sick. “Tell me you found them.”

“Shit!” Hal exclaimed. “You didn’t find them?!”

Bruce clenched his fists, ducking down to look under the aisles, even though he had already checked them all.

He couldn’t lose Jason again-

“Did you check everywhere?” Bruce demanded harshly, fear making him angry. He was aware this wasn’t wholly Hal’s fault, but his son was _missing-_

“Yes, I did,” Hal shot back testily, and his voice echoed down the line and in the air.

Bruce looked up to see Hal hurrying down the aisle towards him, dragging the cart behind him. “Are you sure?!”

“Yes I’m fuckin’ sure!” Hal hissed harshly. He rammed the cart into Bruce’s hip, on purpose by the glare on his face. He crowded close, opening his palm to show Bruce the glowing Ring in his hand. “I scanned the store, they’re still in here,” he said lowly.

“Well, **_where_**?!” Bruce snarled, close to losing it. Jason and Kyle were so small-

“Don’t you fucking yell at me!” Hal snapped hotly. “You weren’t watching them either!”

“I was looking at the stroller!” Bruce insisted guiltily. In reality, he knew it was both of their fault for not watching the cart properly and getting too caught up in their arguing.

A familiar giggle interrupted their argument, delighted, and amused.

Hal froze, eyes darting around in confusion.

Bruce looked around, trying to find the source of the giggle. It had sounded just like Kyle-

“You heard that, right?” Hal breathed, head on a swivel. “Like there was-”

“Shut up!” Bruce hissed, straining to try and hear anything that would give him a clue as to where Kyle might be hiding. He had definitely heard Kyle giggle, which meant that he had to be close by. And where Kyle was, Jason was sure to be close behind-

“Ow!” Hal exclaimed suddenly when something bounced off his head. He clapped a hand over the top of his head, wincing.

There was a plasticky sounding _clack_ as whatever had hit Hal bounced onto the cheap vinyl flooring by Bruce’s foot.

Bruce looked down and saw that it was a familiar plastic yellow bat.

For a moment, Bruce could only stare at it, unable to process how the plastic yellow bat had hit Hal in the head in the first place.

In unison, he and Hal looked up.

“… What the fuck,” Hal said, hand still on his head.

Bruce ignored the vulgar language, too busy staring at the sight in front of him.

Jason and Kyle were perched on the top shelf of the aisle, surrounded by a mess of cardboard and plastic packaging. They had gotten into a bunch of dolls, and were playing with some odd bean shaped figurines, bashing them against the shelf and each other with obvious glee.

Kyle spotted Bruce and Hal first and beamed. He babbled away to Jason.

Jason looked at them and laughed before he hurled one of the dolls at Hal.

Hal caught it before he turned on Bruce with an angry pout. “You said you checked! So much for the world’s greatest detective!”

“Shut up,” Bruce hissed, feeling his neck starting to heat up in embarrassment. “How the hell did they get up there in the first place?!” he hissed, approaching the shelf, worried that one or both of the boys would topple off.

Kyle already didn’t have great motor control and Bruce wasn’t going to risk anything.

Tentatively, Bruce put his foot on the bottommost shelf. It creaked dangerously under the pressure and he stepped back down quickly.

“Kyle can fly, or did you forget he’s not actually a fuckin’ baby!?” Hal hissed furiously, shoving Bruce out of the way. “I’ll get them down-”

Bruce only just managed to grab Hal’s shoulder before he did something stupid, like _fly_. “There are cameras,” he scolded, closing his hand over Hal’s fist, where the Ring was hidden. “If people figure out you’re the Green Lantern, someone will figure out who I am!”

“Well how in the hell do you propose we get them down?!” Hal hissed. “Unless your phone acts as some sort of localised jammer, they’re going to see us anyway!”

Bruce glowered at Hal, wishing, not for the first time, that John was here instead.

“Boost me up,” Hal said suddenly, looking up at the boys on the shelf.

“What?”

“Boost. Me. Up,” Hal repeated as if Bruce was the stupid one. “I can’t lift you, so you’re going to have to lift me.”

Bruce looked around. The aisle was empty, but given the fact that it was the middle of a weekday, he wasn’t surprised. “Fine,” he growled before he ducked around behind Hal and bent to wrap his arms around Hal’s middle.

“Put those show pony muscles-Ah!”

Bruce snorted against Hal’s back, vindicated by the shocked yelp. “Hurry up,” he grunted, because despite Bruce’s own strength, Hal was a fully grown man, and shockingly heavy despite his lean frame.

“This whole thing is your fault,” Hal muttered.

Looking up, Bruce saw Hal trying to corral the boys into his arms. Both Jason and Kyle seemed to think it was a game and were squirming around excitedly, laughing and giggling at Hal.

Jason bashed Hal in the face with one of the dolls and then burst out laughing at the splutter Hal let out.

Kyle laughed, waving his arms around and sending packaging raining down on Bruce.

“Goddamn it-”

Bruce shifted Hal’s weight. “Just grab them-”

“Will you shut up?” Hal hissed. “Come here, you little monsters- Gotcha!” he crowed.

Looking back up, Bruce saw that Hal had managed to grab Jason and tuck him into the crook of his elbow. Kyle was still squirming around, trying to crawl away and Hal had a hand wrapped around the back of the borrowed shirt he was wearing.

“Kyle, stop-”

Kyle opened his mouth and screamed, a high pitched screech that grated at Bruce’s ears. He turned around, face screwed up and fat tears rolling down his cheeks, obviously distressed by all of the excitement.

Hal hauled Kyle backwards by the shirt, accidentally kicking Bruce in the knee as he did so. “I got him,” he said to Bruce, tone urgent as Kyle continued to cry and scream. “Get us down-”

Bruce was only to happy to oblige, bending his knees to drop Hal back onto the ground. He didn’t even wait for Hal to turn around or get his bearings before he grabbed Jason out of Hal’s arms and hugged him tightly.

Jason snorted wetly, little hands smacking against Bruce’s chest in displeasure at the tight embrace. “Nn!” he said, wiggling around.

Perhaps Bruce was holding Jason a little too tightly, but he couldn’t bring himself to loosen his grip, even a little bit. His heart was still racing in his chest and the fear at Jason going missing hadn’t started to recede yet.

Kyle was still crying loudly and there was a crack as something hit the floor.

One of the bean dolls bounced past Bruce’s foot.

“Really?” Hal was saying. “You’re gonna throw a tantrum when this is your fault, huh, Kyle?”

Bruce lifted his head to scold Hal, but paused when he saw that Hal had Kyle resting against his chest and was bouncing him gently, one hand running down Kyle’s back and head comfortingly.

“Always a crybaby, aren’t you, Kyle?” Hal continued, rolling his eyes at Bruce in commiseration. He pulled Kyle back to look at him, raising an eyebrow. His expression morphed into something that was fond, if a little exasperated. “Aw, big baby.”

Bruce huffed and went back to tending to Jason, a little miffed by the fact that Hal actually seemed good with kids. It wasn’t something Bruce had expected from a cocky bachelor with a penchant for sleeping around.

Jason didn’t want to be tended to and he smacked Bruce with bean doll, beaming. With his chubby cheeks and curly hair, it reminded Bruce harshly of a memory of a twelve year old Jason, racing around the manor in excitement.

Jason bounced in Bruce’s arms, showing him the bean doll.

“Yes, I see it, Jaylad,” Bruce murmured. The fear at losing Jason had started to fade away and he vowed, that when the boys were returned to normal, he would sit down and begin to fix his relationship with Jason. This had only reinforced how precious his time with Jason and all of his children was, and how much he had already missed. 

Kyle’s crying had quieted down to a heart wrenching sobbing and whimpering.

Bruce looked up as Hal walked over. “Is he alright?” he asked.

Hal shook his head with a smile. “He’s fine,” he said. “Just being a drama queen.”

Kyle was hiding his face in Hal’s shirt, practically clinging to him. He obliged Bruce, looking up when Bruce stroked a hand through the downy hair on his head. But as soon as Jason offered the bean doll, he hid his face again.

Hal snorted, patting Kyle’s head. “We should get going,” he said. “They’re probably tired and cranky. We can order stuff online if we need it. I mean we have diapers and clothes, so they’re not going to die.”

Bruce rocked Jason, despite Jason’s fussing. “We can’t risk something like this happening again,” he said to Hal. “Kyle’s _toy_ ,” he said pointedly, nodding his head at Kyle’s hand, “is too unpredictable. Anyone could see it and put two and two together.”

“They have those kid leashes right?” Hal said.

“They can’t walk, Hal.”

Hal shrugged helplessly. “Yeah? I mean… We could tie a balloon to them or something.”

Honestly, Bruce was starting to reconsider whether Hal Jordan was intelligent or not.

* * *

“No.”

“Put it on.”

“No,” Hal said, shoving Bruce’s hand away with a disgusted expression. “I am _not_ wearing that.”

Bruce closed his eyes and heaved a sigh at Hal’s resistance. “It’s practical.”

“It’s _orange_!” Hal exclaimed in outrage, looking horrified.

“It’s necessary,” Bruce insisted, pushing the orange baby carrier at Hal again.

Yes, the carrier was a rather hideous shade of neon orange, but functionally it was a practical piece of equipment. Strapping Jason and Kyle to themselves would leave their hands free for other things and would also ensure both boys were accounted for at all times.

“Put it on.”

“No!” Hal said, ducking away from Bruce and hold Kyle in front of him protectively. “I am not putting that thing on- It looks like a highlighter threw up on it, Bruce!”

“It doesn’t matter what it looks like,” Bruce said in exasperation. “We need to make sure it fits your chest and Kyle can sit in it comfortably.”

“What, like Jason is?” Hal asked skeptically, nodding at where Jason was trying to chew on the front handle of the carrier Bruce was wearing.

Jason growled adorably, wiggling in an attempt to get free, fat legs and arms waving around madly.

“Put it on.”

“No!” Hal cried childishly. He pouted at Bruce. “I’m wearing a pink shirt, Bruce, orange and pink don’t go together.”

“Well it’s the only colour they have.”

“So we can buy it later, when there aren’t ugly as shit-”

“Language!”

“-colours!” Hal finished, still pouting. “I’m not wearing it- if you wanna go around looking like a highlighter, that’s fine, but Hal Jordan has more style than you do and not nearly enough money to be called ‘avant garde’.”

“ _What_?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Hal said quickly. “My point, I’m not fuckin’ wearing it.”

Kyle snuffled, opening his eyes blearily from where he was dozing against Hal’s shoulder. He yawned widely, eyes screwing up. He gummed at the plastic bat he was holding onto, blinking slowly at Bruce and Hal curiously.

Jason bellowed his frustration at the carrier and attacked the handle in front of him with renewed viciousness.

“See?” Hal said with wide eyes. “Jason thinks it’s ugly too.”

“It doesn’t matter what it looks like,” Bruce ground out testily, shaking the carrier at Hal. “Try it on.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is peak stupidity.
> 
> Look, we all need some lightheartedness rn. Okay, this year has been shit.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally a fill for BatLantern week 2020 but then I got distracted.
> 
> Don't ask me by what, because I don't know.
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed!


End file.
